Oct 30th, 2013

I woke up and headed out the door right away. My first stop was to the bank to deposit my first paycheck for $81.12. With my newfound wealth I mailed my niece’s birthday present and I bought some medical supplies because I think that cold is coming back.

I was trying to decide if I wanted to go to the zoo to tease the monkeys or go to a movie when I stumbled upon a taco truck. With boyish delight I gleefully ordered 2 tacos (at $1.75 each I thought the guy should sit on my lap and feed them to me) and I was on my merry way. They weren’t the best tacos I’ve ever had, but they weren’t the worst.

I stocked up on supplies and headed to the movie theater to watch a movie about a guy who’s job is to escape from prison. It was a thrilling action flick full of gun fights, explosions, cheesy one-liners and mayhem. So far my solo man date was off to a good start.

I got out of the movie and just started walking, before I knew it, I was at the mall so I stopped in to visit Rebecca at work. After a quick chat I walked to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the Sounders playoff game. I sat next to a fellow from Seattle and we had a good discussion about both the Sounders and Seahawks. I know I had promised Rebecca I wouldn’t eat out, but I had to get wings. So I did.

After the game I walked home. It was a 3 mile journey from the theater to my house, in flip flops. Once home I flung myself on the bed and watched videos online until Rebecca got home from work.

Oct 29th, 2013

I woke up and got ready quickly to take my transcripts to the college to see which pre-requisites I still need to take before I can start the EMT school. I only need one class, medical terminology. Because I’m involved, there has to be a problem. The class starts in January and ends in May. I need to have completed the course by April 1st in order to enroll for the fall 2014 EMT course. Since I won’t be done until one month past the deadline, I’ll have to wait until spring 2015. I spent an hour looking for online medical terminology courses which would be done before April but I have no idea what specifically I’m looking for.

I took the bus home and changed and headed to a tour bus company that called me last fall to start but Rebecca and I weren’t ready to move at that point. I filled out an application and had an interview on the spot. They said I’d need to shave my beard. I haven’t seen my chin since 2008 when I started growing the beard, I’m afraid I won’t recognize myself anymore. I have a second interview on Thursday.

I stopped at Costco to get a hot dog before going home, a decision I paid for later on in the evening. There is something about Costco hot dogs that are like playing rock-paper-scissors with my insides, and I rarely win. I’d stop eating them, but you can’t beat $1.50 for a hot dog and a soda.

I headed home and decided I needed an ice cream bar. I got off the bus and walked to the corner store and bought myself a delicious treat. I walked out the door and started tearing open the warping when all of the sudden my treat fell in the dirt. I almost cried. I started to walk away but something inside my bent down, picked up the dirty frozen treat, scrapped the dirt and bits of grass away and gobbled that thing down. It’s about 1 block from the store to my house and I was finished long before I got there.

Rebecca put a frozen lasagna in the oven and we sat around trying to stay cool for the rest of the evening.

Oct 28th, 2013

I woke up and headed to work. I didn’t have time to eat my rice at home, so I brought it with me. I explained to my manager that I was there so early because I have no furniture and work is where I go to sit down.

Around 3 I didn’t have any tables so I had the menu up in front of my face to look like I was studying it while I watched the Seahawks game. My manager noticed and told me not to watch tv. A few minutes later I walked over to him to apologize, the bar tv was to my back but the tv from the restaurant next to us was directly in front of me. My manager was standing in front of me telling me that he wasn’t mad, but I should do more to be busy, and then he stopped and said “you’re watching the tv behind me aren’t you?” I lowered my head and sheepishly said “yes sir.” We both had a good laugh once I explained that my team was playing and my next 3 pay checks were on the line.

After work I went to pick up some coconut peanut butter in Waikiki. The 32 oz jar I bought 2 weeks ago is gone and I need a backup.

I caught the bus home and Rebecca had dinner ready. She had an interview today at some place for something and it sounds promising…… I think.

After diner we hung out ant watched some shows on the online and went to bed

Oct 27th, 2013

Today was Rebecca’s birthday. We woke up at 8 and packed up a bunch of stuff and headed out the door. Our first stop was Starbucks where she got a free drink and I got a breakfast sandwich.

We got on the Likelike highway in the city, went through a tunnel, and as if we had gone through a magical portal we came out if the tunnel between a beautiful beach and a pristine mountain range.

Our next stop was a macadamia nut farm. We sampled everything and I saw some people about to sample coconut peanut butter. I watched as the husband’s face turned to absolute joy as the coconut peanut butter caressed his taste buds. Once his eyes rolled out of the back if his skull, he lowered his head and he saw me, staring at him smiling and nodding. I told him that he had just enjoyed some pretty great stuff and he grabbed his wife and headed for the door.

We drove up to the north shore and went to Waimea beach. I got right in the water. The beach sloped at about a 30 degree angle into the water so once the wave broke on the shore, it had a lot of force going back to the sea. Luckily the waves were coming in with enough force to toss me around like a sock monkey. I had just managed to get all the sand out if my swimsuit from the first knockout wave when the water going out swept my legs from under me just as a wave crashed on top of me. I will be finding sand in me for the next week. After about 30 minutes it started pouring down rain so we took cover under the bathroom roof. There was no end in sight so I walked the 1/4 mile to the car in the rain and I drove back to get Rebecca.

We left that beach and no more than 5 minutes later we passed through the rain. We Went to Ted’s bakery and got mahi mahi sandwiches and had some chocolate haupia pie. After filling ourselves to the point of shame, we drove around for awhile to digest.

Our next stop was the Banzai Pipeline, a popular surfing spot. There were a handful of surfers and the waves were looking quite ferocious so I watched the surfers and took a nap in the sand.

We then drove to Haleiwa which is a small surf town. We wandered around and we had been planning on having Rebecca’s birthday dinner at Opal Thai, but it is closed on Sundays. We decided to go to Haleiwa Joe’s which is a little further down the road.

After dinner we drove the rental car back and took the bus home where I tried to rinse the sand out if my crevices.

It was a great day and I had a lot of fun adventuring with my beautiful wife on her special day.

Oct 26th, 2013

I went to work today, because it was so slow I had 2 tables the entire shift. I walked home with a whopping $6.00.

After work I went to see Rebecca at her job but she wasn’t going to be done for 2 hours so I walked to the movie theater and saw a movie about an old man who suddenly has to take his grandson across the country.

After the movie I caught a bus to the airport and rented a car so we can explore the island for Rebecca’s birthday.
I drove home, it feels nice to be able to drive again. I picked up Rebecca and we went to the store to buy soda and soap. Not for any weird experiments or anything, I’m simply thirsty and I smell bad. We then drove to the top of Diamond Head and sat overlooking the ocean and we talked for a while. On the way back I decided to detour up a huge hill and we looked at houses we will never be able to afford. We got home and settled in to rest for our big day tomorrow.

Once Rebecca fell asleep, I drove to the store to buy flowers. The guy behind the register looked at me with a “you must have done something wrong to be buying flowers at midnight” type of look. I ignored him and was on my merry way.

Oct 25th, 2013

I woke up this morning with an unusual craving for a cheese burger. Not just any cheese burger, but a fancy one. I brushed the thought away into the dark corners of my mind and went to work. The entire shift I could not shake the feeling that I needed a cheese burger. It was almost as if my ancestors were telling me that a fancy cheeseburger could change my life for the better. I asked around at work and almost as if it were scripted, my managers all said that we serve the best cheese burger on the island. I decided I had better ask people who would know, so I looked for fellow plus sized coworkers and they pointed me in the right direction.

After work I got to the street just in time to watch my bus drive by, luckily there was another bus going close to my house right behind. I looked up the menu from the restaurant I had heard about and I’ll be darned (pardon the foul language) if I wasn’t skipping and almost giggling by the time I walked in the door. I told Rebecca we were going to Waikiki to watch the fireworks and get that cheese burger I had been craving all day. She reminded me that we have been eating out a lot lately and we had to be more fiscally responsible. I recognized this was my time to stand my ground so I stood up straight, looked her right in the eye and I sternly said “ok”. I made pasta instead.

We walked down to Waikiki and sat on the beach to watch the firework show that the Hilton Hawaiian Village puts on every Friday. It was better than almost any firework display I have ever seen. At one point I laughed and said “I bet this would scare the crap out of any Pearl Harbor survivors here.” My witty observation was met with scornful glares from those luckily enough to have heard it. It was a truly moving display of loud noises and flashing lights, my eyes may have began to tear up. I immediately told Rebecca that I wasn’t crying and that I mush have gotten sand in my eyes.

After the show we walked around Waikiki and got an ice cream treat from a local vendor. We chatted a bit about our plans for her birthday and we headed home. They say “milk does a body good”, but not my body. As soon as we got home the frozen iced cream treat declared jihad on my colon. I had to stand at the door of the bathroom and wait because Rebecca was washing her face and brushing her teeth. She emerged to find me standing at the door like a puppy waiting to be let in during a thunderstorm. I think I’ll just stick to random meat on a stick from street vendors from now on.

Oct 24th, 2013

I slept awfully last night. I kept waking up because the allergic rash I got from the hot tub kept itching. I finally woke up at 8 and showered. I got dressed for work and had a Diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast. I called my niece who turned 10 today and got to use FaceTime to show her our apartment.

I left for work at 11 and once I got there they put me in a closing section because someone called out sick. I’m only supposed to be taking 2 tables at a time because I’m still in training. I’m used to a 5-8 table section so I had a lot of free time to clean stuff and talk to my tables. Halfway through the shift I found that the rash is exacerbated by heat and sweat. Two things there are plenty of when I’m working. If I could find a way to sell body heat and perspiration, I would be sharing my poop jokes with the likes of Bill Gates and Ted Turner at a classy party while wearing a tuxedo t-shirt and flip flops.

There is a bin next to the garbage where we put food scraps. Once it is filled they sell it to a pig farm on the island. I looked inside and it was full of corn, fish, potatoes, salad, shellfish and other tasty treats. I thought “the pigs eat better than I do”. At that point I remembered the parable of the prodigal son. He squandered his inheritance and was left working at a pig farm wishing he could eat what the pigs were eating. In no way do I feel like I have squandered anything. Moving here was one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I get to live in paradise. Top ramen in paradise is still better than caviar and lobster in the cold dark rain.

I met a couple that I swear is the Welsh version of Rebecca and I. She loves to read and she is afraid of the sun because of her pasty white skin, and he is in to metal music. I had a good chat with them and suggested some places they should go before leaving the island.

I finished my shift and called Rebecca to ask about supper, our fridge is filled with water bottles and rice so I went to Papa Johns to grab a pizza. I found a website that had promo codes but only if I ordered online. After taking 15 minutes to complete the order from my iPhone in the store, the lady behind the counter told me she could have given me a better deal than what I found online. I took the pizza and caught a very full bus with people who were very hungry and quite upset that I had brought such a delicious smelling treat aboard. One lady politely tapped me on the shoulder and told me that I was going to have to share. I screamed out “don’t touch me there !!! I need an adult!!!!” I got off the bus shamefully and Rebecca and I ate while catching up on shows on her lap top. I scanned the internet for cheap cars and then took a shower. I found that scalding hot water has the same great feeling of scratching an itch. You know when you have an itch, and you finally scratch it, and it feels amazing? Hot water does the same thing only without having to worry about making the allergic rash worse. The main problem with my hot water treatment is that the majority of the rash is exactly where my bathing suit was. I’m not very find of third degree burns on my manhood, but a classy gentleman has to do what a classy gentleman has to do.

I spent a good half hour trying to find the shows “The League” and “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” online. After giving up I sent some angry tweets to the network FXX for their lack of availability. I know they don’t care about us little people, but I had to let my voice be heard.

Oct 23rd, 2013

I woke up at 7 and discovered an itchy red rash all over my legs and boy areas. Immediately I knew the culprit, it was the hot tub. When most people get a rash in a hot tub it’s because they are doing something naughty. I am simply allergic to the bromine which is a chemical used instead of chlorine to keep hot tubs clean. When I was 16 I had a friend who’s parents had a hot tub and used bromine. I used to break out in the same rash all over my body, but as a 16 year old boy I didn’t care. I have avoided hot tubs ever since. At one point I remember wondering if this particular hot tub used bromine but pushed the thought out if my head to think about cheese. I walked across the street to the drug store to buy some anti-itch ointment. It makes me feel old, but I carry a bag of pain pills and various ointments around with me. I took a shower and then lathered up my thighs and underarms and then we had breakfast.

We got packed and headed to the beach. It was a snorkeling beach in the south end if the island. We looked at all kinds if fish, many of which I recognized from Finding Nemo. While most people float and look at the fish, I decided it would be a good idea to pick one fish and follow it. Most of the fish were surprisingly smart and would swim right next to a female snorkeler knowing I would not get too close or risk getting smacked.

My parents and I got out if the water and walked to an adjacent beach to watch the waves for a while. We rejoined Rebecca and we all got back in the water to float and chat. While we were standing there someone yelled out that a turtle was close. It swam right up behind my dad and swam in to the back if his legs sending him backwards over the giant beast. It swam inches from me between Rebecca and myself. I instinctively covered my man bits with my hand. I don’t know why I do this, I think I have a fear of something biting me down there. The turtle swam off and we could see its gigantic shell. It was as big as the hood of a VW beetle.

We got out if the water a while later and I went to reapply anti-itch cream. On my way back I heard the lifeguard yelling at people to move out if the way of the turtle. I casually strolled over to see the same turtle that attacked my dad climbing up on shore with a group of people in a horse shoe shape surrounding it. Someone said “they only come ashore to lay eggs.” I responded with “or die” because of who I am, I had to be that guy. We got bored watching the turtle struggle to climb ashore so we left. We drove to a store to look for a replacement pair of sunglasses and then toured some of the island on the way to dinner. We ate overlooking a bay and a cliff with huge houses.

We went to the airport and had to wait 20 minutes for a ticket agent to finish her break before she was willing to check us in. We said our goodbyes to my parents. I always feel bad leaving because it makes my mom so sad, but they promised they would come check out Oahu sometime soon. Once we passed through security I found a bathroom. I had been holding it for so long it was starting to develop a personality. I emerged from the bathroom and victoriously raised my hands in the air like Rocky after he climbed the stairs.

We got on the plane and I immediately hat to pee. Luckily it was only a 30 minute flight consisting of me trying to hide the fact that I was wearing headphones. Once we landed I headed straight to the little boys room and then we walked to the bus stop. About halfway home, the rash from the hot tub started itching. Because it is under my trousers I could not very well just start scratching myself on a public bus. I’ve been warned before. As soon as we got home I showered and lathered myself up with enough anti-itch cream to fill a kiddie pool.

I did a load of laundry and hung it up to dry and by 11 I was ready for bed.

Oct 21, 2013

I woke up at 9 and walked to the store to buy envelopes and index cards. I spent 2 hours filling out the index cards with all the menu information. My shift started at 5 but I got there at 2:30 because I have no furniture or air conditioning. Another new guy was starting his second training shift at 4 and was sent home by his trainer for not being prepared. I was nervously sweating. A few minutes later I was told I would be with that trainer. She already had a taste for blood and i was convinced she would send me home too. She looked at me and said “I know you know your stuff, you’re in charge, I’m just observing .” I was so relieved. I had to do the 4th level again because I failed on Saturday, but honestly I think I needed to repeat that step. Having the extra day helped boost my confidence. I did much better today than I was doing on Saturday. At the end of the shift my trainer told me I passed and I start my probationary period thus weekend. I can finally start making money.

I walked home and started packing and getting ready to go to Kauai tomorrow. I was in bed at 11:30 but I was wide awake until 2.

Oct 22nd, 2013

We woke up at 6 and scrambled to get ready to catch the 7:18 bus to the airport. The bus was jam packed full of people like a Chinese cargo container. We got to the airport and had to walk about 3/4 mile to our terminal. We went to the wrong terminal 2 times before finding the right one. We got through security with no problems and then paid $26.00 for 2 sandwiches and a soda. For everything he did wrong, even Hitler didn’t charge that much for two sandwiches.

We boarded our propeller plane and got comfortable. We were supposed to leave at 9:45, by 10:15 we were still taxiing on the runway. The captain took a giant bite of his $15 sandwich and got on the microphone to tell us there was a service light on and we had to go back. At least I think that’s what he was saying. I tried to remain positive but having to spend half a day of my 2 day vacation in the terminal made me want to throw a coffee mug at someone’s head. We were herded back in the terminal where I sent off some angry tweets at both the airline and Quiznos for their overpriced sandwich that was so bad, even a Somalian would politely decline.

We got back on the plane and once again me listening to music on my iPod becomes a matter of national security. I had to sit slouched in my seat hiding my headphones like a heroin addict shooting up during a ballet recital. The flight was a smooth, comfortable 30 minute hop to Kauai. Once we landed we surprised my parents who had no idea we were coming but were somehow waiting for us at the airport. We all gathered in the rental car and we were whisked away to get snorkel gear and drop our bags off before heading up to the north end of the island. We ate lunch overlooking a huge mountain cliff with a water fall protruding down the side. After lunch we went to a beach that was closed because of the dangerous currents and angry shellfish. We watched the waves and my dad and I got fresh coconuts from a guy selling them out of the back of his truck. Normally I’ll eat anything out of a truck except for fruit. I had a bad experience in Mexico with a pineapple from a street vendor. I gave in to my carnal desire to eat fresh coconut and drank the milk after which the guy expertly chopped open the coconut and peeled out all the gooey insides for me to enjoy. Rebecca reminded me that coconuts are a natural laxative, but more on that later. We left that beach and as my mom drove, one by one the rest of us fell asleep. When I woke up we were at another beach and I ran in to splash and giggle. After about 3 big waves my sunglasses were forcibly ripped from my head never to be seen again. I swam for a while, tried the boogie board, which I am surprisingly good at, and we all floated in the warm salty water for quite a while.

Within minutes of getting out of the water, the coconut was declaring war on my digestive system. We got back to my parents hotel and Rebecca, my dad and I went down to the hot tub. They both got in as I gingerly walked to the bathroom behind the kiddy pool where my colon sputtered like an old car running out of gas. Once I finished, I joined them in the hot tub for a quick soak before dinner.

We walked a few blocks away to a restaurant and had steak and shrimp. After dinner the coconut was screaming for a round two. I don’t know why I can eat random meat on a stick from a street vendor but fruit makes my stomach turn into a high speed garbage disposal. After a quick shower we were off to the hot tub to look at the stars and talk about life on the high seas.